Question:

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it’s big; ignore it if it’s insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say ‘the devil is the father of liars,’ but I said instead ‘the devil is the father of lawyers,’ so I let it go."

Response:

Good Luck Mr. Gorsky When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous ‘one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind’ statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, ‘Good luck Mr. Gorsky.’ Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the ‘Good luck Mr. Gorsky’ statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay, FL., while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor’s bedroom windows and Armstrong went to get the ball. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky: "Oral sex! You want oral sex? You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Response:

A truck driver went to his doctor to ask him for something to help improve his ex life, as he was having problems ‘keeping it up’. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I’ll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realised his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. That’s going on down there?" The man replied, "I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

Response:

There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom.  She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up.    The pharmacist said, "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma’am."    She said, "I’m not sure, they’re for my Camels."  At which point, he fainted.

Response:

A burglar broke into a house one night.  He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place into his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."  He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.  When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the flashlight back on and began searching for more valuables.  Just as he pulled the stereo out so that he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."  Totally rattled, he shone his flashlight around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that"? He hissed at the parrot. "Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I`m just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are anyway?" "Moses," replied the parrot. "Moses," the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot `Moses?" The parrot quickly answered, "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus."

Response:

This young couple are having sex in the back of the bloke’s van. Suddenly, the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Whip me! Please whip me!" Well the bloke doesn’t want to miss an opportunity like this one but he’s unsure what to do as he hasn’t got any whips around. Luckily he has inspiration and he opens one window, snaps the aerial off his van and whips the girl with it until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy. Almost a week later the girl notices that the welts she sustained are beginning to fester and so she goes to see her doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and says to her, "It appears that you’ve got a bad case of vanaerial disease."

Response:

Jim decided to propose to Sandy. But prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old’s. He stated that it was okay, because he loved her so much. However, Jim felt this was the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant’s, and I hope you can deal with that once we are married." She said, "Yes. I will marry you and learn to live with your infant- sized penis." Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim rushed Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant’s!" "It is . . . 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches!"

Response:

YOU NEED A NEW LAWYER WHEN… 6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

Ha!  This reminds me of when I went to trial once.  My attorney kept farting.  It stunk almost as much as his legal skills. Bart

Response:

While shopping at Wal-Mart one day, a blonde sees a an object that gets her interest. She asks a clerk "What’s that"? He says "Well that’s a thermos". The blonde, scratching her head asks "What’s it do"? The clerk says "Well it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold". Thinking this is the most marvelous invention known to modern science, the blonde just HAS to have one. The following day she shows up at work with her newly acquired thermos. The blonde from down the hall, sees this sitting on her desk and asks "What’s that"? The blonde with the thermos says "It’s a thermos, to keep hot things hot and cold things cold". The other blonde, thinking this is way cool asks "Really? What do you have in it"? The blonde with the thermos proudly proclaims "Coffee and a popsicle". — Char McCarty General Manager http://www.techtrek.com http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Cavern/5946/index.html http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Venue/9362/index.html http://millennium.fortunecity.com/sweetvalley/133/ http://www.alladvantage.com/go.asp?refid=BPQ552 http://www.tradehall.com/  Member #10446188 http://www.travelzoo.com/

Response:

Superman, Snow White and the Hunchback of Notre Dame were sitting around talking about their best qualities. Superman said, "I am considered to be the strongest man in the world." Snow White said, "I am considered to be the fairest maiden in the world." Hunchback said, "Well, I have the reputation of being the ugliest man in the world." Superman suggested they go to the castle and see what Snow White’s mirror had to say. Superman went in first. When he returned he said the mirror confirmed that he is still the strongest man in the world. Snow White was next and when she joined the other two she said she was, indeed, still the fairest maiden in the world. The Hunchback was next and when he came out he had a puzzled look on his face. He is asked the other two, "Who is Dennis Rodman ?"

Response:

This woman finds out that a milk bath does wonders for your skin, so she leaves a note for the milkman to leave 10 gallons of milk for her next delivery. He arrives the next morning, and upon seeing the note, he figures that there must be a mistake, and rings the bell. The woman comes to the door and explains why she needs 10 gallons. The milkman asks, "do you want it pasturized" ???  The woman says, "No, just up to my tits".

Response:

One of Microsoft’s finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets.  He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target.  He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again.  He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

Response:

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door.  One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".  Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.  This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".  Again, there’s a bright flash…and his legs fall off.

Response:

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn’t you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, BOY?" Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhh, over 55?" The cop spit on the ground and said, "93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!" "But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?" Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, "That’s speeding, and you’re getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at Bob and said, "You don’t even look like you have a job! Why, I’ve never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Bob answered, "I’ve got a job! I have a good, well paying job!" The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?" "I’m a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob. "What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman. "I’m a rectum stretcher!" Of course the cop asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, "People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it’s six feet across." The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?" Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar detector and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

Response:

Mark decided to propose to Juanita, but prior to her acceptance, Juanita had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Mark that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was ok because he loved her soooo much. However, Mark felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Mark looked Juanita in the eyes and said…."I too have a problem.  My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married." She said "Yes I would marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis." Juanita and Mark got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Mark whisked Juanita off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another… As Juanita put her hands in Mark’s pants she began to scream and run out of the room. Mark ran after her to find out what was wrong. She stated to Mark, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!" Mark said, "Yes, it is… 8 lbs., 7 oz., 19 inches long!!"

Response:

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.  When he gets back he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Honey, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up. After lunch he goes out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man, my hands are really freezing!"  She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up."  He does and again that warms him up. After dinner he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night.  When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says: "For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?"

Response:

THE MATING BULL A man takes his wife to the stock show.  They start heading down the alley that had the bulls.  They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year."  The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."  The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year.  That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."  The wife’s mouth drops open and says, "WOW!  He mated 365 times last year.  That is ONCE A DAY!!!  You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

Response:

There were two nude statues, man and woman, standing across from each other in a secluded park. A few hundred years after they’ve been put in place, an angel fluttered down to them. A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues had been given flesh, and they step down from their pedestals. The angel said, "I have been sent to grant the mutual request you both have made after hundreds of years of standing across from each other, unable to move. But be quick–you only have fifteen minutes until you must become statues again." The man looked at the woman, and they both flushed, giggled, and run off into some underbrush. An intense rustling came from the bushes, and seven minutes later, they both come back to the angel, obviously satisfied. The angel smiles at the couple. "That was only seven minutes–why not go back and do it again?" The former statues look at each other for a minute, and then the woman said, "Why not? But let’s reverse it this time–you hold down the pigeon, and I’ll shit on it…."

Response:

Now, THAT’S a saver…  :-) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – There were two nude statues, man and woman, standing across from each other in a secluded park. A few hundred years after they’ve been put in place, an angel fluttered down to them. A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues had been given flesh, and they step down from their pedestals. The angel said, "I have been sent to grant the mutual request you both have made after hundreds of years of standing across from each other, unable to move. But be quick–you only have fifteen minutes until you must become statues again." The man looked at the woman, and they both flushed, giggled, and run off into some underbrush. An intense rustling came from the bushes, and seven minutes later, they both come back to the angel, obviously satisfied. The angel smiles at the couple. "That was only seven minutes–why not go back and do it again?" The former statues look at each other for a minute, and then the woman said, "Why not? But let’s reverse it this time–you hold down the pigeon, and I’ll shit on it…."

Response:

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.  Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait!  There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Response:

YOU NEED A NEW LAWYER WHEN… 1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. 2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser." 3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. 4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose." 5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. 6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger." 7. A prison guard is shaving your head. 8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot. 9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger. 10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table. 11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said …" 12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra. 13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?" 14. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers. 15. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM." 16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever." 17. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

Response:

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel-off prize.  She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!" The waitress runs over and says, "That’s impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!" The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!" By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn’t possibly have won a motor home because we didn’t have that as a prize!" Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

Response:

A blonde goes in to get her hair cut at the local salon. The stylist notices she is carrying a Walkman and wearing headphones.  She says to the blonde, "You will have to remove those before I cut your hair." The blonde protests, and states that she will die if her headphones are ever removed. Thinking this is ridiculous, the stylist reaches for the headphones, and yanks them off of the blonde’s head. The blonde falls out of the chair, and is dead before she hits the floor. Shocked and amazed by what has just happened, the stylist puts the headphones to her ears. She hears, "breathe in…breathe out…breathe in…breathe out"

Response:

While playing Trivial Pursuit, someone was asked:    Who was Helen of Troy’s Roman lover? The questioner then turned over the card to confirm the answer and announced to us that Helen’s Lover was "Tess-tih-cleez".  As it happens, the next question on the card was:    What does a stallion have that that a gelding doesn’t? and the questioner had read the wrong answer!                                             Chris — Rens-se-LEER is a county.  RENS-se-ler is a city.  R-P-I is a school!

Response:

Study each question carefully. Then, choose the answer that seems most correct (True or False) and mark an "X" under the appropriate heading on the right side.                                                               TRUE  FALSE 17. An organism is the person who accompanies the choir     |      |      | 20. An erection is when the Japanese vote for their new     |      |      |

Response:

Daisy, that was a GOOD ONE!  (Say it like Arnold would). Where do you get this stuff????? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!" He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I’ve never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it’s just like that." So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain. "What’s wrong?!" she cries out. " Take your thumb off the end!!"

Response:

Just after he got married, This guy was invited out for a night with ‘the boys’. He told his misses that he would be home by midnight……promise!  Well the yarns were being spun and the booze was going down easy and at around 3:00a.m., full as a boot, he went home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed three times.  Quickly he realised she’d probably wake up, so he cuckooed another nine times. He was really proud of himself, having the quick wittedness – even when pissed to escape a possible conflict. Next morning the misses asked him what time he got in and he told her 12 o’clock.  Whew!  Got away with that one! She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said: "Well it cuckooed three times, said ‘fuck it’, cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed don’t you?"

Response:

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence.  Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand.  God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers.  He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence."  Satan agreed.  The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence…but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before. "Satan!" beckoned God.  "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"        "Yeah?  What if I don’t?"  replied the devil.         "I’ll sue you if I have to," answered God.        "Sure," laughed Satan where are you going to find a lawyer

Response:

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn’t done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.  She goes to the video store and after looking around for a while selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.  To her disappointment, there’s nothing but static on the screen.  She got so mad and called the video store to complain. Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static." Store Clerk: "Sorry about that.  We’ve had problems with some of those tapes.  Which title did you rent?" Blonde:  "It’s called, Head Cleaner."

Response:

*LOL* I’m still trying to find a "good" one. Guess I should just settle for one that’s alive huh? <g – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence.  Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand.  God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers.  He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence."  Satan agreed.  The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence…but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before. "Satan!" beckoned God.  "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"        "Yeah?  What if I don’t?"  replied the devil.         "I’ll sue you if I have to," answered God.        "Sure," laughed Satan where are you going to find a lawyer

– from G —-"The difference between a weed and a flower is a judgement"—       ***To reply, please remove NOSPAM from my address***

Response:

sssshhhh….(it’s a secret!)  glad you enjoy them!! Daisy Visit our alt.support.divorce "Who’s Who" site at: http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Cape/6475/index.html If you would like to be included send a picture and a brief biography to: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Daisy, that was a GOOD ONE!  (Say it like Arnold would). Where do you get this stuff????? A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!" He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I’ve never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it’s just like that." So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain. "What’s wrong?!" she cries out. " Take your thumb off the end!!"

Response:

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!" He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I’ve never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it’s just like that." So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain. "What’s wrong?!" she cries out. " Take your thumb off the end!!"

Response:

This guy was out hunting one day; he had all the gear, the jacket the boots  and the double-barreled shotgun.  As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. So, he went to the doctor and got put under the gas.  When he woke up, he  found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. When he was ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brothers card.  I’ll make an appointment for you to see him." The guy says "Is your brother a doctor too?" The doc replies "No, he plays the flute.  He’ll show you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye."

Response:

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas.  The week flew by and they all had a great time.  After they returned home and the men went back to work,  they sat around at break and discussed their vacation. The first guy says "I don’t think I’ll ever do that again!   Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers 7 come 11 all night & I haven’t had a wink of sleep!" The second guy says "I know what you mean…my old lady  played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all  night and hollers hit me light or hit me hard and I haven’t had a wink of  sleep either!" The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! …my old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."

Response:

Anytime sweetie!! Daisy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Thanks for the jokes Daisy. They always brighten my day. This guy was out hunting one day; he had all the gear, the jacket the boots  and the double-barreled shotgun.  As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. So, he went to the doctor and got put under the gas.  When he woke up, he  found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. When he was ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brothers card.  I’ll make an appointment for you to see him." The guy says "Is your brother a doctor too?" The doc replies "No, he plays the flute.  He’ll show you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye." — From AnotherOne (To reply, please remove NOSPAM   )

Response:

Thanks for the jokes Daisy. They always brighten my day. This guy was out hunting one day; he had all the gear, the jacket the boots  and the double-barreled shotgun.  As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. So, he went to the doctor and got put under the gas.  When he woke up, he  found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. When he was ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brothers card.  I’ll make an appointment for you to see him." The guy says "Is your brother a doctor too?" The doc replies "No, he plays the flute.  He’ll show you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye."

– From AnotherOne (To reply, please remove NOSPAM   )

Response:

A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don’t stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try  to match the product. The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety. The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."

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Three ducks arrive at the Police station.  In deciding why they’re here, a police officer goes up to the first duck and says "What’s your name??"  The duck replies "Quack".  The police officer then asks "And why are you here ??"  The duck says "For blowing bubbles in the pond."  "Blowing bubbles in the pond!! That’s illegal!! That’s a $50.00 fine!!"  The duck agrees to pay the fine. The police officer goes up to the second duck and says "What’s your name??"  The duck replies "Quack Quack".  The police officer then asks "And why are you here??"  The duck says "For blowing bubbles in the pond."  "Blowing bubbles in the pond!! That’s illegal!! That’s a $50.00 fine!!" The duck agrees to pay the fine. The police officer goes up to the third duck and says "And your name must be Quack Quack Quack". And the duck replies "No, it’s Bubbles".

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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.  After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep.; the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I’m sorry, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I’ve got a better idea…let’s pretend we’re married." "Why not," laughs the man. "Good," she replies.  "Get your own fucking blanket."

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There was a blind bunny rabbit hopping across the desert when suddenly he ran head on with a snake. The bunny excused himself and told the snake he was blind since birth and had not seen him. In amazement the snake said that was perfectly alright because he too was born blind. The bunny said that he had been abandoned as a baby and didn’t even know what kind of animal he was. The astonished snake said that too was exactly what had happened to him. With excitement the bunny said that he had an idea that would satisfy both their curiosity. "We can feel each other and tell the other what kind of animal we think each other is." The snake agreed and said he would feel the bunny first. "Well, you are soft and fury, have a round fuzzy tale, and long ears. You must be a bunny rabbit" said the snake. The bunny was quite pleased, and said that he would now feel his new friend. After a few long minutes, the bunny said " You are long and scaly, and have a forked tongue. You must be a lawyer ! "

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A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I’ve got a big problem doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is." "The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up."

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There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure. She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cock will shrink 5 inches. He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?" The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it’s still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?" Frog: "No, I won’t marry you." The guys dick shrinks another five inches. But that’s still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?" Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!

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A Husband comes home with a half gallon of Ice Cream. He asked his wife if she wants some. "How hard is it?" she asked. "About as hard as my dick," he replies. To which the woman replied, "OK, then.  Pour me some."

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The Top 12 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love 12.  "Ahhh!  Yoda’s little friend you seek!" 11.  "Urm.  Put a shield on my saber I must." 10.  "Feel the force!" 9.  "Foreplay, cuddling – a Jedi craves not these things." 8.  "Down here, I am.  Find a ladder, I must!" 7.  "Do me or do me not – there is no try." 6.  "Early must I rise.  Leave now you must!" 5.  "You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz’s hand up my ass." 4.  "Happens to every guy sometimes this does." 3.  "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?" 2.  "Ow, ow, OW!  On my ear you are!" 1.  "Who’s your Jedi master?  WHO’S your Jedi Master?"

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A husband and wife were lying in bed one night. (Since they have small children, the universal-parent coding system for sex is washing machine.) The husband turned to his wife and said in a seductive voice, "washing machine." The wife, being the hard working parent she is, was tired and she said, "Not tonight, dear; I’m tired." He rolled away. Five minutes later, he rolled back over and repeated "Honey, washing machine." She said, "I’ve got a headache." ..

A man comes to bed after his wife with a bottle of aspirin in hand.  She asks, "What’s that for?"  "Your headache."  "I don’t have a headache."  "Well, in that case…."                                             Chris — Rens-se-LEER is a county.  RENS-se-ler is a city.  R-P-I is a school!

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hahahah!!!!!  :) Daisy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – A husband and wife were lying in bed one night. (Since they have small children, the universal-parent coding system for sex is washing machine.) The husband turned to his wife and said in a seductive voice, "washing machine." The wife, being the hard working parent she is, was tired and she said, "Not tonight, dear; I’m tired." He rolled away. Five minutes later, he rolled back over and repeated "Honey, washing machine." She said, "I’ve got a headache." .. A man comes to bed after his wife with a bottle of aspirin in hand.  She asks, "What’s that for?"  "Your headache."  "I don’t have a headache."  "Well, in that case…."                                            Chris — Rens-se-LEER is a county.  RENS-se-ler is a city.  R-P-I is a school!

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Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What’s the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm." "Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny’s shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled: E-I-E-I-O."

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King Arthur’s Chastity Belt King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of he Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he’d see if he could come up with something. A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt… except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ’short arm’ inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahadhis. "Sir Galahadhis," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" But Sir Galahadhis was speechless

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Check ‘em off and keep score!! Do you remember? 1. Blackjack chewing gum 2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles 5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P.F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive – 6933) 12. Peashooters 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM records 15. S&H Green Stamps 16. Hi-fi’s 17. Metal ice trays with levers 18. Mimeograph paper 19. Blue flashbulbs 20. Beanie and Cecil 21. Roller skate keys 22. Cork popguns 23. Drive-ins 24. Studebakers 25. Wash tub wringers If you remembered 0-5 = You’re still young If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older If you remembered 11-15 = Don’t tell your age If you remembered 16-25 = You’re older than dirt!

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Hi my name is Mud. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Check ‘em off and keep score!! Do you remember? 1. Blackjack chewing gum 2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles 5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P.F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive – 6933) 12. Peashooters 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM records 15. S&H Green Stamps 16. Hi-fi’s 17. Metal ice trays with levers 18. Mimeograph paper 19. Blue flashbulbs 20. Beanie and Cecil 21. Roller skate keys 22. Cork popguns 23. Drive-ins 24. Studebakers 25. Wash tub wringers If you remembered 0-5 = You’re still young If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older If you remembered 11-15 = Don’t tell your age If you remembered 16-25 = You’re older than dirt!

– — I plead contemporary insanity ICQ # 35013944

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Two worms live together on a golf course. The first worm says, "What kind of day is it?" The other worm says, "I don’t know, but I was thinking of going up and checking it out." The first worm says, "That’s a good idea. Why don’t you do that." So the second worm starts on his way up through the dirt. At the same time, two lady golfers are walking along the fairway. The first one says, "Jeez, I gotta whiz." Her friend says, "Well, it’s very early. There’s nobody else here on the course. Do it right here. Nobody will know." The first lady says, "You think so? Right here?" Her friend says, "Yeah." And she agrees to do it, because it helps the joke. She pulls down her skivvies, and lifts up her little golf dress and she squats. She’s just about to commence when the worm pokes his head up out of the grass right below her. She lets fly, and forget it, he gets drenched. He’s dripping wet as he goes back down through the dirt. He goes up to the first worm, and he’s soaking wet. The first worm looks at him and says, "Oh, it’s raining, huh?" The second worm says, "Not only is it raining, but it’s raining so hard the damn birds are building their nests upside-down!"

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An atom met another atom he knew while walking down the street. "Hi how are you doing" he says. "Oh, not so good.  I lost an electron" says the other one. "Are you sure?" "I’m positive."

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    A priest walking down the street notices a young boy on this tiptoes trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. Although he is trying very hard, the boy is not tall enough to reach the doorbell.     After watching the boys efforts for a moment, the priest walks across the street, up the steps to the porch, comes up behind the little fellow, and lifts him up a couple feet.  The boy giggles as he gives the bell a solid ring.     Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"     With a mischievous grin he replies, "Now we run!!!"

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An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk.  The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler.  He gave her his name.  In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "YES, I SEE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, AND I’D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

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A husband and wife were lying in bed one night. (Since they have small children, the universal-parent coding system for sex is washing machine.) The husband turned to his wife and said in a seductive voice, "washing machine." The wife, being the hard working parent she is, was tired and she said, "Not tonight, dear; I’m tired." He rolled away. Five minutes later, he rolled back over and repeated "Honey, washing machine." She said, "I’ve got a headache." He rolled away again. Ten minutes later, the wife, feeling guilty, turned to her husband and said, "OK, washing machine." He replied. "That’s OK. It was a small load and I did it by hand."

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It was the wedding night for a young couple and the groom wanted everything to be just perfect. He arranged to stay in the Honeymoon Suite of a plush hotel, and he and his new bride eagerly jumped into the heart-shaped bed to make love for the first time (at least for him). After making wild and passionate love for a considerate length of time, they both reached the climactic momement simultaneously, slipping into a state of utmost relaxation. At this point, the groom reaches for the telephone. "What on earth do you think you are doing?" asks the young bride. "Well, I wanted everything to be perfect, so I thought I should call room service for a bottle of their finest champagne," came the reply. "Well, I used to date Arnold Palmer, and when Arnold and I finished making love we would wait 10 minutes and make love again," the young groom was informed. "If that’s what you are used to, I will be glad to comply…" And 10 minutes or so later the young couple was making wild and passionate love again. At the culmination of this second lovemaking session, the young groom reaches for the phone once again… "What on earth do you think you are doing?" asks the young bride. "Like I said before, I want this to be a special occasion, so I was going to call room service for that bottle of champagne." "Well, Arnold and I used to relax for 15 minutes or so, and then make love a third time," came her reply. So, once again, not wanting to disappoint his young bride, the groom relaxed a bit and finally was capable of making love a third time. After this third wild and passionate and somewhat time consuming session, the couple finally reaches the climactic moment and returns to a relaxed state. Once again, the groom reaches for the phone…. "What on earth do you think you are doing?" asks the young bride. "Calling Arnold Palmer to find out what’s par for this hole!"

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A man is about to get married the next day and is playing softball with his buddies. Suddenly, a line drive hits him directly in the groin and he doubles over in extreme pain. His friends take him to the doctor and the doctor examines his penis. "Well," says the doctor "there’s not much I can do for you except minimize the pain by splinting it to reduce movement" whereupon he takes some cotton and tongue-depressors and fashions a crude splint. The next night the man is on his honeymoon and his new bride comes out of the bathroom in a skimpy teddy. "Look at these breasts" she says, "no man has ever touched these beautiful breasts before; I have been saving them all my life for my husband and now you will be the first ever to touch them!" The new groom drops his drawers, "That’s nothing!" he exclaims, pointing to his penis "Look — still in the carton!"

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since I have laughed this hard!!!!  (really haven’t laughed at all…) Sandy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR: 1)     When there’s only one other person in the        elevator, tap them on the shoulder and        then pretend it wasn’t you. 2)     Push the buttons and pretend they give        you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. 3)     Ask if you can push the button for other        people, but push the wrong ones. 4)     Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell        phone and ask if they know what floor        you’re on. 5)     Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting        for your friend. After awhile, let the doors        close and say, "Hi Greg.  How’s your day        been?" 6)     Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to        help pick it up, then scream, "That’s mine!" 7)     Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone        in the elevator.     Move your desk in to the elevator and        whenever someone gets on, ask if they have        an appointment. 9)     Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if        they’d like to play. 10)    Leave a box in the corner, and when someone        gets on ask them if they hear something        ticking. 11)    Pretend you are a flight attendant and review        emergency procedures and exits with the        passengers. 12)    Ask, "Did you feel that?" 13)    Stand really close to someone, sniffing them        occasionally. 14)    When the doors close, announce to the others,        "It’s okay. Don’t panic, they open up again." 15)    Swat at flies that don’t exist. 16)    Tell people that you can see their aura. 17)    Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it. 18)    Grimace painfully while smacking your        forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all        of you, just shut up!" 19)    Crack open your briefcase or purse, and        while peering inside, ask, Got enough air        in there?" 20)    Stand silently and motionless in the        corner, facing the wall, without getting        off. 21)     Stare at another passenger for a while,         then announce in horror, "You’re one of         THEM!" and back away slowly. 22)    Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to        talk to the other passengers. 23)     Listen to the elevator walls with your         stethoscope. 24)     Make explosion noises when anyone presses         a button. 25)     Stare, grinning at another passenger for a         while, and then announce,  "I have new socks         on." 26)     Draw a little square on the floor with chalk         and announce to the other passengers, "This is         my personal space!"

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The hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas,drank coconut juice and longed for his old life. He fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said. "I didn’t know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.""It’s only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn’t wash up; nothing did." He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "B-B-But that’s impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware." "But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let’s row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?" "No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can’t take any more coconut juice." "It’s not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I’m going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it’s end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?" When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines – strategically positioned – and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we’ve been out here for a very long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months. You know…" She stared into his eyes. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. "You mean–?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?" — — Visit my alt.support.divorce Who’s Who Homepage at http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Cape/6475/

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four nuns are standing at the pearly gates, waiting to get into heaven.  st. peter says to first nun, "tell me the worst thing you’ve ever done." the nun gets a little embarrassed and says, "um, I saw a penis once." St.. peter says, "well we’ve let in much worse.  just go over to the bowl of holy water and wash out your eyes." the second nun steps up to St.. peter and he says to her, "tell me the worst thing you’ve ever done." the second nun gets all red, turns her face away and says, "well, I um… I touched a penis once." St.. peter says, "Jesus Christ.  what the hell is going on down there nowadays?  well, we’ve let in a few things worse than that sister. just go over to the bowl of holy water and wash your hands." when St.. peter is finished he looks up and sees the third and fourth nun going at each other tooth and nail.  the last two nuns are rolling on the ground beating the crap out of each other.  a stunned St.. peter walks over to them and yells, "what the f*ck do you two think you’re doing?!" the nuns stop fighting and one of the them stands up and says, "I’m so sorry St.. peter, but I just had to make sure I got in first and washed my mouth out before she stuck her ass in the bowl."

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THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR: 1)     When there’s only one other person in the        elevator, tap them on the shoulder and        then pretend it wasn’t you. 2)     Push the buttons and pretend they give        you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. 3)     Ask if you can push the button for other        people, but push the wrong ones. 4)     Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell        phone and ask if they know what floor        you’re on. 5)     Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting        for your friend. After awhile, let the doors        close and say, "Hi Greg.  How’s your day        been?" 6)     Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to        help pick it up, then scream, "That’s mine!" 7)     Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone        in the elevator.     Move your desk in to the elevator and        whenever someone gets on, ask if they have        an appointment. 9)     Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if        they’d like to play. 10)    Leave a box in the corner, and when someone        gets on ask them if they hear something        ticking. 11)    Pretend you are a flight attendant and review        emergency procedures and exits with the        passengers. 12)    Ask, "Did you feel that?" 13)    Stand really close to someone, sniffing them        occasionally. 14)    When the doors close, announce to the others,        "It’s okay. Don’t panic, they open up again." 15)    Swat at flies that don’t exist. 16)    Tell people that you can see their aura. 17)    Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it. 18)    Grimace painfully while smacking your        forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all        of you, just shut up!" 19)    Crack open your briefcase or purse, and        while peering inside, ask, Got enough air        in there?" 20)    Stand silently and motionless in the        corner, facing the wall, without getting        off. 21)     Stare at another passenger for a while,         then announce in horror, "You’re one of         THEM!" and back away slowly. 22)    Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to        talk to the other passengers. 23)     Listen to the elevator walls with your         stethoscope. 24)     Make explosion noises when anyone presses         a button. 25)     Stare, grinning at another passenger for a         while, and then announce,  "I have new socks         on." 26)     Draw a little square on the floor with chalk         and announce to the other passengers, "This is         my personal space!"

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It’s late, so Murray & Edna go to bed,but Murray can’t sleep & he decides to read awhile. Every few minutes Murray reaches over, tickles the old ladies pussy, then continues reading. Edna finally loses it & snaps "Damnit Murray, quit teasing me like that !" Murray says "Who’s teasing? I’m just wetting my finger before I turn the page". — — Visit my alt.support.divorce Who’s Who Homepage at http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Cape/6475/

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BETA ERROR MESSAGES: Microsoft is trying to add some humor to it’s error messages in Windows 2000. Here are a couple of examples: Printer not responding: Got a pen and paper handy? Three things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss. Guess which has just occured? — — Visit my alt.support.divorce Who’s Who Homepage at http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Cape/6475/

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A young executive was leaving the office one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen", said the CEO, "this is important and my assistant has left.  Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly", said the young man, flattered that the CEO had asked him for help. He turned the the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. "Excellent! Excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I need two copies of that."

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Two blokes are sitting in the doctors waiting room, so to pass the time start to chat to each other.  They get to why they are here and the first one, Mr Smith, says "Well, it’s kind of embarrassing really, but I got this red ring round the shaft of my … you know … penis." "Hey that’s amazing," says Mr Jones, "I got a green ring round mine.  I feel a lot better knowing I aint some kind of freak." So both feeling somewhat relieved, they talk about football and horse racing until Mr Smith is called in to see the doctor. Ten minutes later, Mr Smith returns, a wide grin on his face.  On the way to the door, he quickly says to Mr Jones, "Hey no worries, he rubbed in some liquid with a cloth and it came off.  You’ll be out in no time.  See ya buddy." Feeling better, Mr Jones goes in to the doctor when called.  He explains his problem, drops his trousers, and lets the doctor have a look. "It’s serious I’m afraid Mr Jones, It will have to be amputated.  I can schedule surgery for three days time." "WHAT!!  NO!!  That guy in here two minutes ago got his rubbed off! What do ya mean amputate?!" "I’m sorry Mr Jones, there is a big difference between lip-stick and gangrene" — — Visit my alt.support.divorce Who’s Who Homepage at http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Cape/6475/

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening  the front door.  "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil  all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don’t move  until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you’re a statue."  "What’s this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room.  "Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought  one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."  No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they  went to sleep.  Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the  kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of  milk. "Here," he said to the ’statue’, "eat something. I stood like an  idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a  glass of water." — — Visit my alt.support.divorce Who’s Who Homepage at http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Cape/6475/

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A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark. A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife, while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I’m gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken." — — Visit my alt.support.divorce Who’s Who Homepage at http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Cape/6475/

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A man collects package at the Post Office. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It’s my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man. "Well, have a good day," says the worker. "Thank you," replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It’s my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I’m…" "No don’t tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What’s that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how old you are." says the old lady. "I don’t believe it." "Well let me prove it!" "I’m not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man. "Oh well, I guess you’ll never know then," replies the lady. After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it." After a good feel of the man’s balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the fuck did you know that?!," exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady. — — Visit my alt.support.divorce Who’s Who Homepage at http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Cape/6475/

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NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw  in $20, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. Victoria Lee

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a hooker at a table, so he walks over to her and says, how much is it for a hand job? She says 10 dollars so he said well that’s a lot of money but okay how much have you made off of hand jos she said you see all those cars out there I bought all those with the money I’ve made from hand jobs. so they go out to his truck and she gives him the best hand job of his life. Then he decides he wants a blow  job and asked her how much it was and she said $25 and he said how much have you made off of blow jobs she said you see this bar I bought it with all of the money I’ve made from blow jobs. So he said ok ok and she gave him the best blow job of his life. Then he decided to get daring and ask how much it was for pussy and she said you see all those sky scrapers over there that’s what I would own if I had a pussy.

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Thanks for the laugh!  Now see what "someone" almost made us miss?  :-) (I missed out on the bulk of whatever went on, but it’s nice to see things back to "normal" around here.) Oh yeah, "someone," can you answer this?  You don’t HAVE to, of course, but since I am on a logic kick today, I figured I’d ask "Someone" to answer this: Who’s the bigger villan, Adolf Hitler, or Mother Theresa (because she is female and Hitler happened to have the right dangly bits to claim to be male)?  Or according to "Someone"s logic here. Thanks! — Adam – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – A guy walks into a bar and sees a hooker at a table, so he walks over to her and says, how much is it for a hand job? She says 10 dollars so he said well that’s a lot of money but okay how much have you made off of hand jos she said you see all those cars out there I bought all those with the money I’ve made from hand jobs. so they go out to his truck and she gives him the best hand job of his life. Then he decides he wants a blow  job and asked her how much it was and she said $25 and he said how much have you made off of blow jobs she said you see this bar I bought it with all of the money I’ve made from blow jobs. So he said ok ok and she gave him the best blow job of his life. Then he decided to get daring and ask how much it was for pussy and she said you see all those sky scrapers over there that’s what I would own if I had a pussy.

Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

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Below are two sentences.  They don’t make any sense at first, but just pronounce the words as you normally would.  Say it loud to get the whole effect. I AM WE TODD IT. SOFA KING WE TODD IT.

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HA!HA! HA! Good to laugh from the ass up…. Robert M. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – A guy walks into a bar and sees a hooker at a table, so he walks over to her

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         Two American ministers, who were traveling in Germany,  decided to go to church.  Knowing no German, they figured  they’d play it safe by sitting behind a dignified-looking  gentleman and doing whatever he did.          During the service the pastor made a special  announcement, and the man in front of them rose.  The two  Americans quickly rose also, only to be met by roars of  laughter.          When the service was over, they went to the pastor,  who they discovered spoke English, and he explained why the  congregation laughed.          "Oh," said the pstor, "I was announcing a baptism  and I asked the father of the child to stand."

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What can a Lifesaver do that a man can’t? Cum in five different flavors.

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A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems. A gentlemen pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried "That was too much!" He then asked "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much. The husband said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was well hung. She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked "Now what?" The wife replied "Can I borrow $60?"

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A man has 27 parts that won’t work. 20 nails that won’t nail 2 tits that won’t milk 1 belly button that won’t button 2 balls that won’t roll 1 cock that won’t crow 1 ass that won’t work 27 total What the hell are you smiling about? You have a pussy that won’t catch mice!

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A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. She heads out one evening to try her new trade while he waits at home.  Next morning, he’s sitting down to breakfast as she drags herself, exhausted, into the house and drops a wad of money on the table. Together they set about flattening, sorting, and counting.  In the final analysis, there’s $320.25.  The husband looks at this and says, "Which one of those lousey, cheap SOBs gave you a *quarter*."  To which the wife replies, "ALL of them!"                                             Chris — Rens-se-LEER is a county.  RENS-se-ler is a city.  R-P-I is a school!

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An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asked him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies, "The Lord’s been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when I’m finished, He turns the light off." When his wife meets with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, "Damn it! The old fart’s been pissing in the ice box again!

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ROFL!  That’s hilarious! Debbie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asked him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies, "The Lord’s been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when I’m finished, He turns the light off." When his wife meets with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, "Damn it! The old fart’s been pissing in the ice box again!

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… "Oh, bother,’ said Pooh, as the Borg assimilated Piglet. "B-B-B-But, P-p-p-p-p-pooh! Re-Re-Re-s-s-s-sistance is f-f-f-f-f-f-futile!" said Piglet.

Cute.                                              Chris — Christopher Nelson, Sr. Software Engineer         Pinebush Technologies, Inc. Author: Tcl/Tk Programmer’s Reference    http://www.purl.org/net/TclTkProgRef

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A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?" The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." The American blew a huge bubble. "We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American had a smirk on his face. The Canadian listened in silence. The American persisted. "D’ya eat jelly with the bread?" Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada." The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?" "We throw them away, of course." Now it was the Canadian’s turn to smile. "We don’t. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."

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Why Daisy, would you be a fellow Canuck?  Might you know what a Timmy’s double double is?  Oh oh…..now if the joke hadn’t been so disgusting….but I like it! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?" The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." The American blew a huge bubble. "We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American had a smirk on his face. The Canadian listened in silence. The American persisted. "D’ya eat jelly with the bread?" Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada." The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?" "We throw them away, of course." Now it was the Canadian’s turn to smile. "We don’t. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."

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As someone who is a Canadian, I can tell you that Daisy is from Kansas, but her material does indeed get around.

Okay, Canadians, what do you all think of ‘The Red Green Show’? Do you guys get it up there? We get it on PBS. DH and I saw it for the first time a couple of weeks ago. Now our Friday nights are *set*. Red: Do you know what I think? Nephew: No, I’ve never had a clue actually. Tracey <who loves dry humor….. — Tracey — "Oh, bother,’ said Pooh, as the Borg assimilated Piglet. "B-B-B-But, P-p-p-p-p-pooh! Re-Re-Re-s-s-s-sistance is f-f-f-f-f-f-futile!" said Piglet.

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As someone who is a Canadian, I can tell you that Daisy is from Kansas, but her material does indeed get around. Okay, Canadians, what do you all think of ‘The Red Green Show’? Do you guys get it up there? We get it on PBS. DH and I saw it for the first time a couple of weeks ago. Now our Friday nights are *set*.

Of course, we get Red Green up here. It is a CBC production, at this point in time ( The history of how it travelled, from being a local show in Hamilton, to a syndication deal, to full network, is a neat tale of overcoming the odds in the business ). In fact, at the con that I was at a week ago, Rick Green ( no relation ) was there, talking about his show on History TV ( Canada ) called History Bites. As well as his work on Red Green ( both writing and performing ). Red: Do you know what I think? Nephew: No, I’ve never had a clue actually.

The X Mas show was a hoot. Curling, using car door handles duct taped to frozen chickens and turkeys… The actor who played Harold, isn’t a regular any more. He had, at the same time as he was a regular on Red Green, another series, where he played a serious and conniving financial trader ( On Global’s Traders ). Two *very* different characters. Older Red Green episodes are also running on our Comedy Network. ( It’s time well wasted… ) Tracey <who loves dry humor….. "Oh, bother,’ said Pooh, as the Borg assimilated Piglet. "B-B-B-But, P-p-p-p-p-pooh! Re-Re-Re-s-s-s-sistance is f-f-f-f-f-f-futile!" said Piglet.

Andre — " The noblest achievement of the imagination is to make time run some other way, and terminate in beauty and forgivness "                                          David Gelernter, " 1939 "

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Funny. Gross…but funny!! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?" The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." The American blew a huge bubble. "We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American had a smirk on his face. The Canadian listened in silence. The American persisted. "D’ya eat jelly with the bread?" Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada." The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?" "We throw them away, of course." Now it was the Canadian’s turn to smile. "We don’t. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."

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Why Daisy, would you be a fellow Canuck?  Might you know what a Timmy’s double double is?  Oh oh…..now if the joke hadn’t been so disgusting….but I like it!

As someone who is a Canadian, I can tell you that Daisy is from Kansas, but her material does indeed get around. And, tonight was a good one with the CBC, with Air Farce, and 22 Minutes to view and tape. Where else could you see five Members of Parliament all in bed with one of the satirists ? Mind you, none were from the governing Liberals ( would that they could live up to their name ! ). – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?" The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." The American blew a huge bubble. "We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American had a smirk on his face. The Canadian listened in silence. The American persisted. "D’ya eat jelly with the bread?" Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada." The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?" "We throw them away, of course." Now it was the Canadian’s turn to smile. "We don’t. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."

Andre — " The noblest achievement of the imagination is to make time run some other way, and terminate in beauty and forgivness "                                          David Gelernter, " 1939 "

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What’s the difference between a dog and a fox? About six beers. —   If You Always Do the Things You’ve Done,   You’ll Always Have the Things You Got.

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Be Careful when Santa’s in a bad mood. It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn’t. Santa was really pissed. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners. Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN’T believe it! I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn’t even back yet! What am I going to do?" Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas Tree. He says: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year?" And thus the tradition of Angels perched atop the Christmas trees came to pass.

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A blonde and a brunnette were chatting  and a knock came to the door and it turned out to be flowers arriving for the brunnette from her boyfriend. She says to the blonde "I hate getting flowers from him because it means lying down for the next two days with my legs in the air" Pondereing, the blonde asks "Don’t you have a vase?"

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Humour-Why Christmas Trees are better than men! 1. A Christmas tree is always erect. 2. Even small ones give satisfaction. 3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights. 4. A Christmas tree always looks good – even with the lights on. 5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size. 6. A Christmas tree has cute balls. 7. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls. 8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it’s past its ’sell by’ date. 9. You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year. Procrastination is like masturbation.  You’re only fucking yourself.

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What does a divorce in Alabama, a toranado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida mean? Someone’s losin’ a trailer house.

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What does a divorce in Alabama, a toranado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida mean? Someone’s losin’ a trailer house.

Also, the value of the real estate just went UP.

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Bill Gates called his contractor and said, in a disgruntled tone: "There are a few issues we need to discuss." Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75.00 per call thereafter. Okay?" Bill: "Uh, yeah…. The first issue is the living room. We think it’s a little smaller than we anticipated." Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the  release date." Bill: "But we won’t be able to fit all our furniture in there." Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room or you can use a Stacker." Bill: "Stacker???" Contractor: "Yeah. It allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch… the chairs on the table…etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can un-stack what you need and then put it back when you’re done." Bill: "Uh…I dunno??? Anyway, the second issue is the light fixtures.  The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won’t fit. The threads run the  wrong way." Contractor: "Oh! That’s easy. Those bulbs aren’t plug and play. You’ll  have to upgrade to the new bulbs." Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular.  How do I fix that? Contractor: "Just un-install and reinstall the electrical system." Bill: "You’re kidding!?" Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way." Bill, sighing: "Oh, well… I have one last problem. Sometimes when I  have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won’t stop. The water pressure drops so low the showers don’t work." Contractor: "That’s a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is bogging the resource preventing access from other fixtures." Bill: "And how do I fix that?" Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you can get back to doing your duty." Bill: "That’s the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?" Contractor: "Hey, if you don’t like it, nobody made you buy it." Bill: "And when will it be fixed?" Contractor: "Oh, in your next house, which will be ready to release sometim near the end of next year. Actually, it was due out this year, but we’ve had some delays…"

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A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I’m sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you’ll forgive me." So the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

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Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach. The first one says "Earthling take me to your leader!" He gets no response. The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. "Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!" Still no response. The first Alien then turns to the second and says "If this Earthling doesn’t show me some respect I’m going to blast him!" . The second Alien replies "O.K. but, I’m just going to stand down on the next block." The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling take me to your leader!" No response. The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump. After the explosion the Alien gets up dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy, He then says to the second Alien "If you knew that was going to happen why didn’t you warn me?" The second replies "I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I’m not going to mess with anyone who’s penis can hang to the ground, wrap around his body twice, and still stick it in his ear!"

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A Texan went to hell and after the first day the Devil asked him, "Well, how was the heat?". The Texan said "OH! That’s just like a warm day in Austin" So the devil got really mad and turned the thermostat way up and waited until the day was over. Then the Devil asked the Texan, "How was that?" The Texan replied "Just like a mild day in Houston" So this time the Devil got really mad and turned the thermostat way down. After the next day the Devil asked the Texan, "So, what did you think of the weather today?". The Texan replied shivering,"W-When d-did C-C-Clinton get re-re-elected-dd?

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Or why did the pervert cross the road? His dick was stuck in the chicken. !) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Q. Why did the blind bird cross the road? A. To get to the Birds Eye factory

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A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon.  Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said, "Sweetheart, let’s do the same thing we did here forty years ago." The guy stopped the car.  His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug.  They made love like never before. Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like That forty years ago–or any time since that I can remember!" The woman says, "Forty years ago that  fence wasn’t electrified!"

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Oh Daisy…..Thats rough.. Mike – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Whats the difference between a woman and a computer ? A computer won’t laugh at a 3 and a half inch floppy

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How to tell you’re an Internet Junkie! 1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 2. You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom. 3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling. 4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment. 5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. 6. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems. 7. You start using smileys in your snail mail. 8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com 9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 10. You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem. 11. You check your mail. It says "no new messages."So you check it again. 12. You don’t know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask. 13. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. 14. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html 15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.  He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. "I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.  Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren’t you going to answer that?"  says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens  the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realise the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger.  "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost.  It’s half past three.  I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn’t matter," says the wife.  "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.  He opens  the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I’m over here, on your swing."

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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks, "Can I buy you a drink?"… "Why of course", comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I’m from Ireland", replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland." "Of Course", replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin", comes the reply. "I can’t believe it", says the first man. "I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin." "Of course", replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary’s", replies the second man. "I graduated in ‘62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ‘62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What’s been going on?", he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O’Mally twins are drunk again."

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A string walks into a bar and hops on a bar stool. He calls to the bartender to order a beer. The bartender looks at him and asks him, "Hey, are you a string?" The string nodded and the bartender commenced to kick him out of the bar as they don’t serve strings. Out on the street, the string thought and thought until an idea hit him. He tied himself up in a knot and went back inside. He hopped onto a bar stool and motioned to the bartender. "Are you the string that I just tossed out of here?" fumed the bartender. "No," said the string, "I’m A-FRAYED knot."

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Whats the difference between a woman and a computer ? A computer won’t laugh at a 3 and a half inch floppy

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Q.  What’s the first thing that Adam said to Eve? A.  "Stand back, I don’t know how big this things gonna get" And one for some little kid: (Ok, ok, I admit, it’s my favorite!) Q. Why did the blind bird cross the road? A. To get to the Birds Eye factory

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Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a TRAGEDY. One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a TRAGEDY." "No," Clinton says, "that would be an ACCIDENT." A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved… that would be a TRAGEDY." "I’m afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton. "Isn’t there any one here who can give me an example of a TRAGEDY?" Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he speaks, "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a TRAGEDY." "Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvellous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn’t be an ACCIDENT, and it certainly would be no GREAT LOSS!"

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A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar.  A stranger comes buy and asks if he’s O.K. The drunk replies by asking, "Do you know who I am?" The stranger says "No. Who are you?" The drunk proudly says "I’m Jesus Christ… and I can prove it! Come with me!" They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells "Jesus Christ! Are you here again?"

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A little boy comes in from school and asks if he can take his dog, Missy for a walk. "You can’t, dear, Missy’s in heat." said the mother. "What’s heat, Momma?" asked the boy. "Your Dad’s out in the garage. You better go ask him." said Momma. "Hey Daddy, I want to take Missy for a walk, but Momma says I can’t cause she’s in heat. What’s heat?" Well, the Dad was cleaning some tools in some gasoline. He took a rag, dipped it in the gasoline and rubbed it all over Missy’s rear end. "Don’t worry about it, son. This will fix her." With that the boy took Missy for the walk. About twenty minutes later he returned without the dog. "Where’s Missy, son?" the Dad asked… "She ran out of gas about two blocks away, daddy." answered the boy, but don’t worry, one of the neighbour’s dogs is pushing her home."…

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Little Johnny paints a sign: WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A DIME. He tells his buddy Randy to get his wagon and they both sit under a shade tree in Little Johnny’s front yard, waiting for business. Susie, across the street is not to be outdone, so she paints a sign: WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL. She tells Mary her friend to get her wagon and they both sit in Susie’s yard. Now Little Johnny’s pissed, how dare that GIRL? Then a flash and Johnny hauls Randy across the street, "Let’s get some laughs." "Say, Susie, you move ANYTHING?" "Give me a nickel and I’ll prove it to you." "Randy, give me your nickel!" He takes it and hands it to Susie. "What do you want moved, Johnny?" "Move my BOWELS!" and starts laughing. Susie thinks for a few seconds and then turns to her girlfriend, "Mary, hold this nickel while I beat the shit out of this kid."

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Wuz de nite befo Crimmus; – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – And all ower da hood; ereybody wuz’ sleepin’; Dey wuz sleepin’ good. We hunged up our stockings; An hoped like de’ heck; That old Santa Clause; Be bringin’ our check. All o’de fambily; Wuz layin in de beds; While Ripple and Thunderbird; Danced through dey heads. I passed out inna’ flo; Right nex to my Maw; When I heard sech a fuss; I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!" I looked out thru de bars; What covered my doe; ’spectin’ de sheriff; Wif a warrent fo sho. And what did I see; I said, "Lawd look at dat!!" Ther’ wuz a huge watermellon; Pulled by giant warf rats!! Now ober all de years; Santa Clause, he be white; But looks liken us bros; Gets a black Sanna dis nite. Faster dan a Po’lees car; My home boy he came; He whupped on dem warf rats; An’ called dem by name! On Leroy, on ‘Lonzo ; And on Willie Lee; On Saphire, on Chenequa; Dey wuz a site to see!! As he landed dat watta’ mellon; Out der in da skreet; I knowed it was fo’ sho’; Da damndest site I ebber did see. He didn’t go down no chimbley; He picked da’ lock on my doe; An’ I sez to myself; "Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!" He had dis big bag; Full of prezents I ‘xpect; Wid Air Jordans and fake gold; To wear roun’ my neck. But he left no good prezents; Jus started stealing my shit; Got my drugs, got my guns, Even got my burglar’s kit!! Wit my stuff in de bag; Out da window he flewed; I woudda’ tried to catched him; But he stoled my ‘nife too!! He jumped on dat wadda’ mellon; An’ whipped out a switch; He wuz gone in a seccon’; Dat son of a bitch!! Next year I be hopin’: Anutha Sanna we git; Cuz’ diz here Sanna Clause; Jus’ ain’t werf a shit!! HO HO HO

Merry Xmas! JJ ——

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In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I’d like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don’t mind, I’d like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!" So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here’s ye kilt, and here’s ye matching underwear, and here’s five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it." So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend’s house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear. When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what’d ye think?" "Ah, but dat’s a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed. "Aye, and if ye like it, ye’ll really like what’s underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here. "Oh, but dat’s a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly. Still not realizing that he didn’t have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I’ve got five more yards of it at home!"

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List of 13 signs that you have had too much of the 90’s:   1.) You tried to enter your password on the microwave.   2.) You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."   3.) You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.   4.) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.   5.) You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What’s for       dinner?"   6.) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.   7.) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken to your next door       neighbor yet this year.   8.) You didn’t give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web       page.   9.) Your daughter just bought a C.D. of all the records your college roommate used to play that you most       despised.  10.) You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains echinacea.  11.) You check your blow dryer to see if it’s Y2K compliant.  12.)  Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she        can create a screen saver.  13.)  You pull up in your own driveway and use your cellphone to see if anyone is home. — — Visit my alt.support.divorce Who’s Who Homepage at http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Cape/6475/

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So, you heard how Canada got its name, right? They put a bunch of letters in a hat and began to draw them out one by one. The first was "C, eh"  The next was "N, eh" and then "D, eh". — — Visit my alt.support.divorce Who’s Who Homepage at http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Cape/6475/

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around the corner?????? — Speed

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – So, you heard how Canada got its name, right? They put a bunch of letters in a hat and began to draw them out one by one. The first was "C, eh"  The next was "N, eh" and then "D, eh". — — Visit my alt.support.divorce Who’s Who Homepage at http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Cape/6475/

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That was a cute joke. I laughed so hard I almost cried!!!  haha.. Thanks for the pick me up!                                                               Melinda McDaniel — Posted via Talkway – http://www.talkway.com Exchange ideas on practically anything ™.

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I had never heard that one! Strange, but cute…  Keep smiling!!!                                           Melinda McDaniel — Posted via Talkway – http://www.talkway.com Exchange ideas on practically anything ™.

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A man went to his mate’s fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked. "I’m a snail," the man replied. "What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you’ve got is that naked girl on your back?" "That’s not a naked girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that’s Michelle." — — Visit my alt.support.divorce Who’s Who Homepage at http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Cape/6475/

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A father approached his 14 year old son and asks him what he wants most for his birthday. The son replies, "I want to get laid Dad." The father says, "You are still a bit young for that." He takes him out to the backyard and shows him a tree with a knot hole in it. "Practice on this and we’ll see next year," says the father. The next year the father asks the same question and gets the same reply. The father tells the son to practice on the knot hole for another year. On his 16th birthday the son says, "Enough with the knot hole already, I am ready for a woman!" The father agrees and takes the son into town to the local cathouse. He tells the madam, "One for me and one for my son." The madam replies "You go up the stairs and turn left, your son goes up the stairs and turns right." At the top of the stairs the father pauses to wish the son good luck and then goes into the room with the whore. All of a sudden he hears terrible screaming coming from the room where his son went. He runs over and bursts into the room. There he sees his son shoving a broomstick in and out of the whore while she is screaming at the top of her lungs. "What the fuck are you doing son?" yells the father. "Checking for squirrels Dad" replies the son. — — Visit my alt.support.divorce Who’s Who Homepage at http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Cape/6475/

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Whip Me Baby! A young couple were making passionate love in the guy’s van and suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh lover, whip me! Please whip me!" Well, the guy, not wanting to pass up an opportunity like that, but unsure what to do as he has no whips around, gets an inspired flash, opens one window, snaps the antenna off his van, and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy. Almost a week later the girl notices that the welts she sustained are beginning to fester a bit and goes to her doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and exclaims, "Wow! Looks like you’ve got a bad case of ‘Van-aerial’ disease!" — — Visit my alt.support.divorce Who’s Who Homepage at http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Cape/6475/

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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Love em. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Whip Me Baby! A young couple were making passionate love in the guy’s van and suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh lover, whip me! Please whip me!" Well, the guy, not wanting to pass up an opportunity like that, but unsure what to do as he has no whips around, gets an inspired flash, opens one window, snaps the antenna off his van, and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy. Almost a week later the girl notices that the welts she sustained are beginning to fester a bit and goes to her doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and exclaims, "Wow! Looks like you’ve got a bad case of ‘Van-aerial’ disease!" — — Visit my alt.support.divorce Who’s Who Homepage at http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Cape/6475/

– — amaluck ICQ #35013944  Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

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LOL!!  I like that one, it’s cute.. i just icq’d it to my son… (don’t worry, he’s a teenager!) He just answered back, "Oh, i get it now!! I had to read it twice!"   – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – A man went to his mate’s fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked. "I’m a snail," the man replied. "What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you’ve got is that naked girl on your back?" "That’s not a naked girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that’s Michelle." — — Visit my alt.support.divorce Who’s Who Homepage at http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Cape/6475/

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A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they’re getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes. Then, they get to see where they’re going to stay. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool. At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters. By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I’m just a lawyer and i’m getting the finest of everything?" The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We’ve had lots of popes here, but you’re the first lawyer we’ve ever had." — — Visit my alt.support.divorce Who’s Who Homepage at http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Cape/6475/

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A little old lady walks into a Baskin Robbins. She looks around for awhile, and then says to the man behind the counter "I’ll take a quart of chocolate.". The man replies " I’m sorry Madam but we are all out of chocolate, if you look around I’m sure you will find something else that you like.". The old lady says "okay" so she looks around and says "I’ll have a pint of chocolate Ice Cream.". The man behind the counter replies "I’m sorry Madam but we are all out of chocolate ice cream, I’m sure if you look around I’m sure you’ll find something else that you would like.". So the little old lady looks around and says "okay I’ll have a scoop of chocolate ice cream on a sugar cone" The man behind the counter is boiling mad by this point, but manages to keep his cool and not yell at the little old lady. He then asks her "Can you spell the word straw in strawberry?". The old lady said "YES". The man then asked her "Can you spell the word van in vanilla?" The old lady once again said "YES". The man then replied "Can you spell the word FUCK in chocolate?". The old lady looks a little puzzled and then replies "there is no fuck in chocolate.". The man says to her " THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU LADY THERE IS NO FUCKING CHOCOLATE!!" — — Visit my alt.support.divorce Who’s Who Homepage at http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Cape/6475/

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Two men were standing in line at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first, "What did you do for a living"? The man answers "I was a cab driver". St. Peter gives him a satin robe and a gold staff and sends him through. St. Peter asks the next man, "What did you do for a living"? The man aswered "I was a preacher", thinking all the while that if that’s how they treat cab drivers, he was surely to receive a mansion. St. Peter instead handed him a cotton robe and a wooden staff. Feeling a bit put off, the preacher says "How come you gave the cab driver a satin robe and a gold staff and I only get a cotten robe and a wooden staff? Surely I performed a greater service to the Lord in my position as a preacher". St. Peter says "Oh that! Well here in heaven, we reward based on merit. When he drives people pray, when you preach, people sleep". – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they’re getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes. Then, they get to see where they’re going to stay. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool. At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters. By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I’m just a lawyer and i’m getting the finest of everything?" The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We’ve had lots of popes here, but you’re the first lawyer we’ve ever had." — — Visit my alt.support.divorce Who’s Who Homepage at http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Cape/6475/

– Get paid to surf the web: http://www.alladvantage.com/go.asp?refid=BPQ552 http://www.travelzoo.com/ My pages: http://millennium.fortunecity.com/sweetvalley/133/ http://www.techtrek.com http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Cavern/5946/index.html http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Venue/9362/index.html

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Walk the Dog        Little Johnny asked his mom if he could take their dog for a walk. The mother said, "Honey, I don’t think        that is such a good idea because the dog is in heat". Little Johnny wanted to know what that meant. The        mom wanted to avoid the subject so she told him to go ask his daddy if he could take the dog for a        walk. Little Johnny found his dad in the garage and asked him about taking the dog for a walk. He said        "That is probably not a good idea because the dog is in heat". So, he asked his dad what that meant.        The father really didn’t want to explain so he got some gasoline and smeared it all over the dog’s        hindquarters and tail. He said "There, now it should be okay for you to take the dog for a walk". About        an hour later, Little Johnny returned home but he didn’t have the dog with him. When his father asked        where their dog was, Little Johnny replied, "Oh, I guess she ran out of gas but don’t worry, there’s        another dog pushing her home! — — Visit my alt.support.divorce Who’s Who Homepage at http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Cape/6475/

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In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman’s ultimate fantasy.  97.8% of the respondents said that a woman’s ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that, in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning. — Jeri

Response:

Just reinforcement for the view that women in general are not interested in sex. rg

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman’s ultimate fantasy.  97.8% of the respondents said that a woman’s ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that, in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning. — Jeri

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Just reinforcement for the view that women in general are not interested in sex. rg

Just reinforcement that you lack a sense of humor.

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Daisy, Long time no speak!  Oh these are too funny!!! Jeff – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – HOLY BLOOPERS                                                          (Actually appearing in various church bulletins) 1. Don’t let worry kill you; let the church help. <snip 16. At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"      Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up.  They decided to Party instead.  Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up Telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a Very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two Separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the directions: "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom. For 95 points, tell me WHICH tire it was!"

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This guy is not getting along so well with his wife and thinks maybe he’d like to have a pet he can get along with. So, he goes to a pet shop in search of a friend. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I’m a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this;how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I’ll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can’t see it cause of my feathers." "Wow," says guy, "you really can understand and answer, can’t you?" "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse wit competence on I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion." The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" he says. "I can’t afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can get me for $20 just make an offer." The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He’s funny, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don’t know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it’s about your wife and the mailman." "What?" says the guy. "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot. "Oh No!" the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down…" The parrot pauses for a long time. "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. "I don’t know," says the parrot, "I fell off my perch."

Response:

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman – almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, ‘almost’?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

Response:

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in  her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better. Sure enough, in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy’s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

Response:

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.  The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.  She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved  and hopped another 50 yards. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.  It said: "Hair spray.  Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Response:

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands’ performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that." "The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that." "The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when I get it."

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.  The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray.  Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

That’s really scary, exactly the plot to Ubik.  Was the rabbit really, truly dead?

Response:

One day in the locker room, Bob sees a man with a cork in his ass. Curious, he asks the man how it got there. "Well," says the man, "I was walking along the beach when I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke and this great big guy in a turban came oozing out, saying,